Even though many people today know what soy milk is or what "gluten-free" means, most people don't understand how lonesome and challenging it can be to live wheat/sugar/dairy free. Like when your friend is having a pizza party, you can't help feeling excluded and left out. In those situations it seems easier to just skip the party all together because it is better than having to explain your diet to other people, or worrying there won't be anything you can eat, or coming off as "annoying" for making special food requests. The last thing you want to do is draw more attention to yourself for having this "weird" diet.
I remember being a kid who was allergic to chocolate and dairy, and how much I hated being different from the other kids. I would lie about my allergies at birthday parties and binge on pieces of Carvel ice cream cake. I stole money from my mother's purse, and as soon as I got to school I would throw out the tuna fish sandwich she packed me and buy a grilled cheese, chocolate milk, and an ice cream sandwich from the cafeteria. All I wanted was to be like everyone else. Now, as a grown up who is back on a special diet, I sometimes feel this same anger and shame around being different. I can't enjoy a glass of wine with my friends or travel to any country I desire. It feels like there is a lot I miss out on and can't be a part of.
So if you are ever feeling alienated or ostracized for being wheat/sugar/dairy free, consider trying one of, or all of, the following suggestions:
1. Drop all of your friends who do eat wheat, sugar, or dairy. You need them like you need indigestion.
2. Start a club for wheat/sugar/dairy free people only. Make up a secret password like xanthan gum.
3. Create your own w/s/d free slang, like "What the wheat?" Or to insult someone you call them a "dairy drinker!"
4. Form a band with only w/s/d free folks. Name your band something like Quinoa Theory.
5. In the lunchroom at work, sit next to a w/s/d eater, stare at their ham and cheese sandwich, point your finger, and say in a repulsed manner, "Ewww, what is that?"
6. Host an exclusive dinner party that only people pure from w/s/d are invited to. Make sure to have "wheat detectors" at the door and be ready to take urine samples if necessary. Then the next day, post photos of your delicious meal and smiling w/s/d free friends on Facebook so everyone who wasn't invited feels bad.
7. And to get revenge on the really heartless people who told you, "God you're just no fun for brunch," or "I have to break up with you because you can't drink a beer with me," send them hate mail and stuff the envelopes with old frosting, or moldy brie cheese, or smooshed up Wonder Bread.
8. If all else fails, start a blog.
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